When MiniDumpling was still in my belly, we started thinking ahead to childcare. In the Boston area, daycares often have year-long waitlists so it’s very important to figure out early what you want to do with your baby once you have to go back to work (don’t get me started on how short maternity/paternity leave is in the US).
I decided that, with 2 kids under 2, it might be worthwhile to get a nanny or au pair, especially because we anticipated that we might not be able to get as much help from the grandparents. It turned out to be a great decision because COVID. But more on that later.
What is an au pair?
An au pair is kind of like a foreign exchange student who lives in your home and helps you take care of your kids. They come on a special au pair visa, sponsored by a few official companies that run these programs (and take a fee), and are usually between the ages of 18-26. There’s a requirement that they have some number of hours of past childcare experience, but once you start looking, you’ll realize that this can easily be fulfilled if they have ever babysat for family or neighbors. You pay them a stipend of $200/week and they can work up to 45 hours/wk (there are some other rules around working hours).
How are they different from nannies?
Well, first of all, they live with you. And while there are such things as live-in nannies, au pairs are less like an employee and more like a family member. The program is very clear that this is a “cultural exchange” experience. My personal recommendation for the best experience is to go into the program with the expectation that you’re adopting a younger sister or a teenage kid. Our au pair ate all meals with us, went on family vacations with us, etc. She made her own friends and went out sometimes, but also spent some of her evenings and weekends (her non-working hours) with us.
Another difference is the level of experience and professionalism. Granted, I have a data point of one (one au pair and one nanny) and both were fantastic, but I have heard stories from other parents, from my au pair about other au pairs, etc. If you have had a nanny before, I would recommend you set your expectations lower for an au pair. Again, they are not a “professional nanny,” they are a young adult looking for a travel abroad experience, and they are essentially financing that experience by taking care of your kids. Some of them do have “real” childcare experience, meaning they have worked in a daycare/preschool, they have a degree in childcare, etc. and they have a genuine interest in working with kids. But most of them are looking for a gap year travel experience.
So, what does that mean for the parents? It doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be irresponsible. But it does mean that you have to be pretty explicit about what you want them to do, what you don’t want them to do – in other words, communicating your expectations. Don’t expect that they will clean up the kitchen after meals, don’t expect that they will do the kids’ laundry, don’t expect that they will take your kids to the playground – unless you set these expectations. And remember that there is a language and cultural barrier, too. So don’t make any assumptions and over-communicate.
We were extremely lucky with our au pair, it was a great match. She was on the older end of the age spectrum for au pairs (which was what we were looking for) and was extremely responsible and mature. When she arrived, MiniDumpling was only 2 months old and refused to sleep on any surface except a human body. Our au pair took it completely in stride, and literally would sit on the couch and not move for as long as the baby slept. One time I walked by, and she had been sitting on the couch for 3 hours because the baby wouldn’t wake up, and she needed to go to the bathroom but she was just waiting. There are few people who would do that for someone else’s baby, even professional nannies.
Also, the expectation originally was that she would only watch one kid, and the older one would continue to go to daycare. When COVID hit and daycares closed, we were really lucky that we had an au pair at home and there was almost zero disruption. However, we also have to recognize that for our au pair, taking care of an 8 month old and an almost-three year old was not the same thing as taking care of one infant. In Massachusetts, workers comp laws changed to “include au pairs” so we were already paying her more than $200/week, but we also tried to build in breaks into her day. PapaDumpling and I would block our calendars for an hour during lunch time so that we could watch the kids and our au pair could take a break. We later pushed MiniDumpling’s nap later to match BabyDumpling’s nap so our au pair could rest during that time. Whenever possible during the day, we’d come down and spend some time with the kids so as to ease the burden on our au pair.
Another great thing about au pairs is that it really is like adding another member to your family, and you can get a lot out of a cultural exchange that you might not get out of a nanny. Our au pair got along really well with us and spent a lot of time with us, even when she didn’t have to. We learned a lot of French from her, our kids learned a lot of French from her, she made French food for us, introduced her to her family (she came from a big family with 5 kids). I met her mother and sister-in-law in Paris and we spent a day together, and then her family and ours exchanged gifts over the course of the year. We went on several vacations together (before COVID), because I knew she wanted to travel and see the world, and I wanted to show it to her. We took her on a roadtrip through Maine up to Montreal and Old Quebec. We took her to Martha’s Vineyard and Cape Cod. And she had many weekend trips of her own. Our au pair didn’t just watch our kids, she watched over our whole family. She was a particular comfort to me and we became very close friends, which I was very grateful for especially during the pandemic when we could not socialize with anyone. Our au pair became MiniDumpling’s godmother, and even after she started working for another family, we would video call each other on the weekends, she took time off to go to Austin with us and visit us for the kids’ birthdays. She’s also invited us to visit her family in France when things open up again.
What about nannies?
After our au pair, we found a Brazilian nanny and she was amazing. We went into it with the same expectations as we had for our au pair, and our nanny just went above and beyond in every way.
Now, let me say up front that nannies are much more expensive than au pairs. Even with the program fees, living expenses, car insurance, phone plan, etc. all added up, it’s still a lot less than the going rate for nannies, at least in the Boston area. We paid our nanny $24/hour for two kids, although BabyDumpling started to go back to preschool 2-3 days a week for half days while we had our nanny.
It’s tiring to watch two kids all day, I of all people get it. Our au pair was visibly exhausted at the end of every day, and spent a large part of her weekend sleeping to recuperate (the difference as parents though is, we never get to recuperate). However, our nanny didn’t seem exhausted. She seemed to be higher energy and was always looking for things to do, even when I told her she could rest while the kids napped. She started cooking lunch for the kids, sometimes making extra for us; she’d always clean up the game room and then started cleaning our kitchen as well; she’d switch out clothes that no longer fit with bigger clothes; reorganized the kids closets/drawers, not just their clothes but also their arts and crafts; and rotated the toys and books in the game room. One day she reorganized our entire tupperware drawer because she couldn’t match bottoms to lids. Another time she reorganized and cleaned our basement because that’s where we kept their extra clothes and toys. Whenever she finished working, our kitchen was sparking clean, there were no dishes (clean or dirty) in the dishwasher or dish rack, everything was put away, the laundry had been folded and put away, and our house was so much more organized than I could keep it.
Our nanny had a baby of her own who started coming to our house after her MIL left, so she was watching 3 kids most of the time, and her own kid was probably more rambunctious than mine, so she was constantly chasing after him and making sure he didn’t eat glue or fall off the sofa.
So yes, our nanny was a godsend. Did I mention that she used to be a nurse, a wedding planner, and a house cleaner (at different points in time)? She was an incredibly capable woman.
I think the attitude of not just “sitting around” because she knew we were paying for her time, and being really proactive about finding other ways to be productive was the biggest difference between our au pair and our nanny. Again, both were great to the kids, but one was just higher energy and kept herself busy. I think because our au pair lived with us and was part of the family, there was less that sense of “I am on the clock right now and should be working.” It could also just be a difference person to person, our au pair had some health issues and got tired more easily, our nanny seemed to be naturally energetic. So that may be something to look for as you’re selecting a nanny/au pair.
One last thing
What I said earlier about treating your au pair like a member of the family is very important – and can apply to nannies as well, depending on the nanny. When we interviewed our nanny, we told her we had an au pair and wanted someone to feel like they were part of the family, and she liked that. There are some nannies who would prefer an employer-employee relationship: they come to work, and they leave. And that’s fine, they could be really great nannies. There are many families who would prefer that type of relationship, too. For us, because we were transitioning from an au pair, we were looking for something more than an employee-employer relationship. So even though I didn’t get as much 1-on-1 time with my nanny compared to my au pair, we did become good friends. On the weekends, we sometimes met up for dinners, lunches, excursions. When they went on vacation, they invited us to join them, and vice versa. This continued even after she stopped working for us. For me, it was important that I got to know the person who was taking care of my kids and that I could get along with them, too. Our nanny also appreciated, and wanted, that personal connection to the family. That’s not important to everyone, so if you are interviewing nannies/au pairs, keep that in mind and set expectations accordingly. If you are looking for an employee and they are looking for a deeper connection, or vice versa, it can create disappointment and tension in the relationship. The best matches are the ones where you are aligned on expectations from the get-go, so don’t be afraid to conduct multiple rounds of interview and ensure a good fit!
Little Soup Dumpling 